The Weight of a Score: More Than a Test

Song Of The Week

If you haven’t yet been swept away by the thunderous waves of "Various Storms and Saints," prepare yourself. Florence Welch flexes her vocal prowess with the kind of fervor that could probably summon actual storms. This track is like a wild weather system — part tempest, part calm — weaving together haunting melodies and fierce energy that feels both ancient and urgent.

It’s not just a song; it’s a sonic cyclone that drags you through lush orchestration, delicate moments of peace, and sudden bursts of passion. Florence’s ethereal voice rides every crest and trough, feeling like a prayer shouted into a storm-choked sky, full of raw emotion and sacred mystery.

Perfect for those times you want your soundtrack to sound like a diary entry written in lightning bolts. This is a reminder that even in chaos, there’s a strange kind of beauty — kind of like saints dancing in the rain. Grab your metaphorical umbrella and let Florence lead you through the thunder.

T minus 7 days

As the days grow shorter and the weeks slip away, time feels like sand slipping through my fingertips. It’s a hard reality. Time is nothing more than a sensation, something I can measure in befores and afters, but never truly in the present. Now, staring at the horizon, my test looms closer and closer. Strangely enough, I feel as though I’m only getting worse. Each question, each word enters my mind, only to vanish the moment I respond, unprocessed, unremembered, lost before it ever had a chance to settle. It is crazy how my brain works. 

In the beginning, studying was something I genuinely enjoyed. There was a rhythm to it, a sense of progress as I worked through problems and uncovered patterns. Each session felt like a small victory, like I was slowly building something sturdy and real. I even found value in my failures! They revealed gaps in my foundation and taught me lessons I hadn’t known I needed. Through repetition, I subconsciously picked up the subtle hints between wrong and right answers. Test after test, I inched closer and closer to my desired score….until I plateaued. Stuck in the 150s, I can’t help but wonder: is this where my brain will remain forever? I surely hope not.

But somewhere along the way, there was a shift. What once felt like discovery now feels like repetition. Instead of learning, I feel as though I’m chasing answers that slip away as quickly as they come, leaving me questioning whether I’m moving forward at all. I’ve started to second-guess myself, my thoughts, my reasoning which ultimately means I question my own ability. My entire foundation seems to rest on my confidence, yet my confidence is tied to my productivity.

Swallow Your Pride

My parents instilled in me the belief that hard work and outcomes determine whether a person is successful or lazy. It was always a thin, fragile line, one that blurred the difference between failure and self-worth. And that line is exactly where I find myself standing now. Teetering between the hours I’ve poured into this process and the nagging thought that maybe it’s not enough, maybe I’m not enough. 

The pressure isn’t just about the test anymore it’s about proving something bigger. Every missed question feels heavier than it should, like it’s not just about formal logic or reading comprehension. Instead of accepting my wrong answers, I try to justify my answer by changing the phrasing or giving an excuse to my mistake. I hate to be wrong, I hate to feel like I am dumb for missing the very key to solving the question. And I question whether I’m capable of becoming the person I’ve been working toward. Whether I am smart, whether I can reach the 160’s. And the rawest truth of it: I’m afraid of what it means if I can’t push past this point. I am afraid that if I try, and try, and try  that I won’t progress, I’ll be stuck in this zone. 

While having a 150 is considered a decent score, the competition aspect of law school drives me insane. It’s not just about what I’ve achieved, but how it stacks up against everyone else. A number that might look respectable on its own suddenly feels small when I measure it against the reality of admissions. Every percentile, every statistic, every comparison chips away at me. It makes me feel like I’m running a race where the finish line keeps moving farther away, and no matter how hard I push, someone else is always ahead. Some people thrive off it, me on the other hand, I dwindle, I crash out, I give up. I give up before the race even begins because my self confidence cannot handle the disappointment of failure.

A Lesson I Need to Learn

Coming into this realization because of a test feels almost absurd. It’s strange how a set of numbers on a score report can unravel so much of who I think I am. A test wasn’t supposed to carry this kind of weight, yet here I am, letting it define how capable, intelligent, or worthy I feel. I am not just taking the LSAT anymore. It’s what the LSAT represents: doors opening or closing, opportunities slipping through, the version of myself I want to become hanging in the balance of a score.

And the thing is I want it. I want all the glory, and I want all the downfalls that come with it. That’s why I keep coming back to it. I want to devour everything this journey will bring me in the future, but before I can do that, I need to learn how to sit with it, and how to find some way to enjoy this process.

It reminds me of my song of the week, Various Storms & Saints by Florence + The Machine. This album in particular has saved my life countless of times, I mean this deserves every flower and praise there is. The song in particular explains living in the space between despair and resilience. Acknowledging the storms while holding on to the possibility of saints. That’s exactly where I feel caught right now: in the middle of the storm, hoping that staying with it, no matter how messy, will lead me closer to the person I’m fighting to become. The only thing I need to do is to hold on to my heart.

Enjoy This Journey With Me

° 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 ₒ 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 °

Enjoy This Journey With Me ° 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 ₒ 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 °

This isn’t the end—just a bookmark in the conversation. Stories don’t really close; they unfold, shift, and find new voices. If this one stirred something in you, let it breathe. Leave a thought, challenge an idea, or carry it forward in your own way. And if you ever feel like wandering through more unfinished thoughts, you know where to find me. Let’s keep the conversation alive. ~XOXO